I have no wallet. I have no glasses. I have lost a pair of trainers. I am very, very stiff and sore and I am sporting in particular a pair of knees that make me look like a Muslim who worships somewhere made out of cheese graters. Since my return I have a swollen throat and had to get a locksmith to get inside my flat. However, I still despite it all in really rather a good mood. This is all due to Kenneth's big trip to Thailand.

I flew out to Thailand last Thursday and landed at about half ten after a brief stopover in Taipei. Myself and Phil from work met Niall Rowantree who is working in Bangkok at the moment. The sense of disorientation bordering upon awe first hit at this point and indeed it never really dissapeared for the whole trip. What came across very quickly was how amazingly settled in Niall is. Bear in mind he had only been in Bangkok for about ten days. After ten days in Korea, the only true part of settling in I had achieved was not crying when I left my apartment building.

Niall is staying at the University he was working at. A bunch of science weirdos thrown into the one room all sleeping on absurdly hard beds. A somewhat surreal set up I must admit. It reminded me of Boys Brigade camp, but without the neds who used to come along and throw eggs at those with excellent bible knowledge. I had a fitful night of sleep, but still woke up raring to go and eager to explore Bangkok.

I met Phil at Wat Arun palace. It was an impressive tiered structure that was made up of coloured porcelain, each bit sort of broken, but gathered together into intricate patterns on each face. It featured some rather scary steep stairs that could be climbed. After the ascent there was a really excellent view of Bangkok. After exploring this we took a river taxi to the close Grand Palace, considered Thailands most impressive tourist stop.

The Grand palace was exquisitely beautiful. It is amazingly colourful and is a real sensory overload. However, shorts are not allowed so they give out pairs of trousers and shorts that visitors can use. I was given a baggy pair of electric purple trousers that looked like they had been rescued from an MC Hammer video. All the girls seemed a bit upset as lots of them were now wearing the same outfit.

I was a bit worried that I would not really appreciate the aesthetic majesty of the palace. I mean never really gave Changing Rooms a fair chance, the things Carol Smilie and the team could do with a bit of MDF... However, I really did find it spectacular and quite mesmerizing. The centrepiece of the complex is the famous emerald Buddha. Direct photographs are not allowed and an individual is not allowed to point his feet directly at the Buddha. This leads to a room full of brittle Westerners sitting in unnatural lotus positions wearing masks of discomfort on their faces. I thought about snapping out some moves from the “You can't touch me” video as a mark of respect but decided it was not in keeping with the moment. The little Emerald Buddha himself was actually a little disappointing. It looks very small upon there next to the magnificence all around. Indeed, the Thai's reverence for the jolly little fat Buddha is really a little bit mad. Lets face it, if you were that fat you would not be jolly. You would be miserable. You would be huffing and puffing around in the ridiculous humidity of Thailand, pretty much at the mercy of the unscrupulous Taxi and Took Took drivers. If he was alive today he would be a prime candidate for one of these Sally Jesse Raphael 'Fat Camp' specials, bullied and harassed by Military Sergeants:

“Get up that ladder Budda! All the spiritual enlightment and serenity you can fit in that robe will not stop that cholesterol. Did you see how thin Gandhi was?! Move bitch!”

Right anyway. The rest of the palace complex is really amazing.

After our various temple and palace wanderings, Phil and I decided to for a massage at the renowned massage school in the area. The massageidonians at this institution showcased skills that would make them pretty excellent practicioners of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Very early on she began gripping my neck and shoulders in such a way that it gave me flashbacks of bigger boys politely requesting my lunch money. Slowly and excruciatingly we proceeded with her engaging in contortions that had me questioning whether I had offended this woman in a past life. She used a sort of leg lock thing that I swear I have seen used in the UFC. And then a disaster really happened, when she had her body weight fully pressed on my shoulder blade with her elbow, I felt a rumbling in my belly... a gaseous build up. There was no doubt that I needed to fart. However, knowing that I could well be executed for such a discourtesy I held in my gas bomb until we were finished. Phew.

Now of course I have slightly exaggerated the massage for comic effect. But only very slightly honestly, it was certainly not a relaxing or conventionally pleasurable experience. I will say this though, afterwards I really did feel more flexible and less tight around my shoulders especially. Not exactly relaxing but definitely positive overall. (Sadly, due to a slow puncture and jaggy rock my new found comfort was not to last. )

We had then arranged to meet Niall around the Siam area where we could get some food sorted. It was this point I seemed to first see the seedy and unscrupulous side of Thai drivers. Each time we tried to get a driver to take us on our journey they refused to do it on the meter and instead quoted some ludicrous flat fee. The Took Took drivers were particularly aggressive in their sales pitches.

It also seems that in order to qualify as a Took Took driver, applicants must satisfy a certain low level of dentistry and be unable to communicate in anything other than leering sales pitches. Seriously, I have not seen human beings like that since I was last on Kilmarnock High Street. Took Tooks are supposed to be named after their distinctive sounds, but I reckon it is because they Took Took all your money. Ahem. Finally, we managed to get something sorted and headed over to meet Niall. We browsed about a mall and had what was to be honest a fairly shitty dinner.

Our night finished in Koa Sohm Road area. (I am sure that is wrong, but I can't be arsed doing any net searching to confirm otherwise. ) Bascially, it is the main backpacker area of Thailand and right next to the place Phil was staying. It was a very, very cool area with very, very cool bars filled with very, very cool girls. It was at this point I remembered how attractive white girls are on holiday, yet inexplicably so. The hair is usually scraped right back, the face is a big red mess of sun and exertion and make up is at a minimum. Clothing is not so much chanel as shanner. However, they just look great, because they are just so happy, so relaxed and at peace. They are clearly just loving it and that is amazingly attractive.

The famous road itself had changed somewhat recently after Thaksin Shinawatra's aggressive 'all bars must shut at one' law. Basically, after the bars then clubs shut, everyone piles out onto the street, where outside vendors with plastic seats and stereos sell booze. In effect, just clubs and bars without roofs. This struck me as noteworthy as it showed the trickery of the Thai booze sellers in the first place and what a crappy licensing law it must have been in the first place. Does not really bode well for Man City fans does it? Our evening finished in a club, with a bottle of Bacardi taught a lesson by the three of us and me trying with no success to woo an Aussie backpacker.

As I have said Niall stays at what is essentially a university building converted into a dormitory. However, this dorm is not where I first woke up the next day, oh no. I woke up in what is essentially the common room for Niall and his colleagues. I was woken up by a rather confused Thai cleaner who was clearly confused by this strange half naked creature he had come across. I gazed up at him and had a moment of complete and utter bewilderment. I had no idea where I was or how I had gotten there. I got out sort of stumbled, clearly still half pissed and then took a wrong turn. I walked out through a set of security doors so that I was now stuck next to a stairwell and set of lifts. So locked out, I just stood there smiling awkwardly as the baffled Thai students streamed past, who were mentally unprepared for the horrific sight they came across. Finally, another set of cleaners came across me and let the boxer shorted paunchy wanderer back into the floor where he could finally find the dorm.

When the day started properly we headed off to JJ market where we met Phil. .It was like the Barras on steroids, with fifteen thousand different stalls selling a jaw dropping variety of wares and goods. I got some stuff for the beach including a light baggy white Thai style number, a Singha Lager T shirt and my first ever pair of flip flops. The sheer scale of the place made it a spectacle and there was certainly a load of nice stuff to be found. Markets like this are always interesting for a bit of people watching. Generally, what can be observed are females, who no doubt dragged sullenly after their male partners at the museums, moving around in the humidity at olympian levels. It has always struck me quite how energetic girls can be when there is shopping to be done.

That evening we visited an infamous Bangkok Go-Go bar. The basic premise is this: men go and watch the girls dance on the tables in the bar. Each girl has a number attached to them. If a guy likes a girl he can ask the owner to bring her down. Said gentleman will then pay the bar a fee for depriving them of the girl and then pay the girl for any services required. Does it sound like the equivalent of a farmers market? Yes it really does. I imagine some guys even go in and check teeth and lineage and what not. I can honestly say I found the experience truly, truly excruciating. It's just bloody horrible to see people up there like pieces of meat. Not nice, but I suppose it is there choice to some extent in the end. However, there was something else about this place that stood out... The girls seemed to all be rather tall. And they seemed to have rather long hands and big feet. Ahem.

Yes the go-go bar we visited was filled with infamous lady boys. Post op transexuals who will quite frankly really mess with your head. I am not kidding you on despite the fake boobs and long lashes , if it came down to a rammy I reckon I would have been in serious bother. All in all, an establishment I will not be visiting again for a variety of reasons.

After this, Niall and I went back to his patch fairly early. Before we went to bed, we went out for a couple of beers at a bar near his. The presence of some foreigners was obviously a bit of an event. However, unlike Seoul, where a white face is definitely noticed. The reaction of the Thais was much, much more friendly. People came up said hello, waved and were generally very friendly without being too aggressive. It was my first indication of just what a genuinely warm and friendly people the Thais are.

An early start the next morning got us on 5.30 am bus to Ban Phe, followed by a ferry over to the Island Koh Samet. What can I say about Koh Samet? Just bloody gorgeous. White sand beaches and incredible water. Murky at first as it laps up around the sand, but then moving out it becomes green, then finally a deep blue, with the various hues merging together. It all formed quite the vision as my eyes gazed out on the ocean in it's vastness. Sounds like something out of a cheap romance novel? Yes it does, because it was the setting of a cheap slushy romance story. Almost sentimentally extreme in how pretty it all was. One of the most beautiful settings I have ever been in.

Despite the beauty, our first day proved to be slightly difficult at first. It was the full moon that night and a Thai holiday so the island was completely rammed. We hired some scooters and off we jetted to try and find a place to stay. I had a bit of a tumble on the Scooter to begin with but it was nothing major, though ominous. Getting an actual bungalow proved to be impossible, so we had to make do with a tent. It was ok for a night although it made any wooing potentially problematic. “Oh yes I have a tent, yeah with three other guys. Yeah it has a mosquito net and everything, don't be shy.” It was easy to get to sleep in the end, especially with two plastic buckets of whisky and redbull down your throat. Anyway, we had some fun on the beach before heading out for dinner. We went to a place that was doing a barbecue and the food was delicious. We ended up ordering far too much, so I got to sample some chicken satay, beef skewers, Sea bass, prawns, squid. All perfectly blackened to form a delectable smörgåsbord. That night we headed out to do some partying at the full moon parties. We started out at a cool place called naga. It was right on the steps up from the beach and played some cool music. I took a little break and went down to have a quiet little moment on the sand. When I looked up I really did see a spectacular sky. The moon was out and shining bright in all it's glory. Below it was a bizarre cloud formation that was illuminated by the moonlight and it gave them an intense, almost fierce appearance. However, to the right of the moon the sky was completely clear and the stars twinkled with a radiant intensity. In it's entirety it was just an incredible sky and I took the time to just stare at it and drink it all in, it and my Malibu cocktail. All too often in life moments pass us by, but this moment did not. I took just a few minutes to burn it on my memory and even now I can close my eyes, my synaptic fibres will fire and it remains vividly etched on my mind. Spectacular.

Now before I am condemned as too much of a big nancy boy, I did some partying as well, oh yes. We met some lovely English girls from Macclesfield of all places who were nearing the end of four weeks of travelling in South East Asia. I had a very long chat with one of the girls in particular and if I were one of my American friends I might have said I felt we had a connection. But I am not, so I will just say I really fancied her. The night begins to slip away from me here, although we met some Canadian girls one of whom could do lots of push ups and we ended up in a reggae/ karaoke bar.

The next day we went and found our bungalow we had sorted. We dumped our stuff and had another gorgeous day just relaxing on the beach. My right knee was playing up a bit, but was nothing to worry about and I was generally happy as larry just chilling out. (Larry was from Alaska and in a great mood too.) Towards the end of the day Niall found me and suggested I accompany he and Phil to another part of the Island to watch the sunset. A splendid idea I thought and off we jumped on our scooters to travel around to the other side of the Island. As were zipped about I thought my scooter felt a bit sluggish and I was having trouble maneuvering it around the terrible roads. Finally, as we were whirring down a long straight, I let the throttle off going through some rocks and crash bang wallop, off I came. It was considerably harder than the first time and the signs could be seen. A bit of blood was coming out of my knee and my left leg was swelling pretty hard my left arm also had a nasty gash. My hands were also grazed. Although it was not sore at the time my left shoulder went on to be bloody agony if I moved it the wrong way. After we checked to see I had no major injuries and thankfully nothing had been broken or anything, we saw that the bikes front tyre was very soft, almost flat. I had probably also hit a small but very jaggy rock. When you compare my inexperience (never driven anything before), the bad roads, the puncture and my specialness, the result was inevitable. (Jose Mourinho is called the special one because he is a mercurial football manger. I am called special because my lack of common sense, inconsistent coordination and lack of spatial awareness can give me the appearance of someone just out for the day.) Anyway, we went back to the bungalow and I got cleaned up.

We went out for that dinner to a seafood barbecue that literally was right on the beach. I was bloody sore as I lay on my mat, but the rolling waves and grilled tuna proved to be an adept painkiller. That evening saw more beverages, more cool people and towards the end of that night I found myself splashing around in the water. (And like Mel Gibson in Signs I was not alone.... Joaquin Phoenix was there yes.) However, when I emerged from the water I did not find my T-Shirt, trainers, glasses or wallet where I had left them. Oh bugger. An absolute tourist rookie mistake. “You cannot do that Gary that is schoolboy placing of the valuables. The manager will give him the hairdryer treatment for that.”

I arose the next day still pretty pissed and pissed off. I had stiffened up greatly and limped down to check and see if any of my possessions were around. Sadly there was no sign of them, so I grumpily trudged back up to the tent and got ready to leave. I recognised that crime will happen when we live in a world of such unequal wealth and opportunity and merely hoped that the person who took my stuff catches the aids virus and dies. The boys had played a blinder and got my moped repaired the evening before as I convalesced. I will drop the bravado and admit I was shitting myself driving it back. However, it was handling fine again and I had no problems getting it back. As we dropped it off the bike guys looked at it and started making noises about us having to pay a fee for the damage. About this point I could feel myself hitting breaking point, the lip was quivering, the voice was wavering as it grew louder. I think I said that even Michael Schumacher could have crashed that scooter, a comment as inexplicable as it was untrue. I could feel myself reaching back to pick up the plastic playthings as yes, the toys were about to fly out of the pram. Finally, Phil I think asked how much the damage cost would be and the guys were only talking about a thousand baht, fifteen quid or something. They were not playing silly beggars but just looking for the cost to cover the plastic light cover. I feel sure they were not bad lads and were clearly influenced by the mask of resignation and defeat painted over the mug of the doughy Westerner. Finally, we took the ferry back to Ban Phe for our bus. I was happy to discover that the cool Macclesfield girls were taking the bus back to Bangkok with us and they definitely had some good banter during the trip. However, the one I particularly liked was sitting directly in front of the bus toilet and I being a Johnny half-bladder needed to make a few visits. The Fonz never used to visit the restroom in front of the chicks on Happy Days did he?

We arrived back in Bangkok, where it quickly started pissing it down. Niall and I killed some time in a posh English style pub while Phil got a massage. As I killed time with a Ploughmans lunch in a posh English style bar I thought over a wonderful holiday. Thailand is a very special country, it is brash, loud and endlessly colourful. It is a unique mixture of ancient culture juxtaposed with contemporary decadence and sleaze. At it's heart is a buzzing and frenetic metropolis, yet around it's periphery lie numerous idyllic islands where the mind and body can truly exhale. It has some lovely people who possess and inner warmth and generosity of spirit that is friendly to the point of being touching. Overall, it simply posseses an intangible vibrancy that few places I have ever visited contain. My days there were unforgettable and I would love to return in the future.

Nevertheless, time to head off to the airport soon arrived. Navigating the place proved to be a difficult experience for the half blind, limping, exhausted, podgy Scot. I even had to ask someone if I had in fact come to the right departure gate. I pointed out that I really could not see without my glasses. It turns out that she was an Optometrist from Australia and she soundly and rather excessively chastised me for not taking a spare pair of glasses with me. Fair enough love, but at least my ancestors never stole sheep for a living. I did not realise how tired I was until the aircraft was in the air when I still kept hearing the sound of waves in my ears and saw some of Bangkok's stray dogs on the plane. I am fairly sure those canines were all in my head, but it did not improve the allure of the airline food. Even now as I type in my Seoul apartment, with a bout of tonsilitus to contend with, still half blind, poorer than I should be. I have some wonderful memories to reflect upon and still know my ancestors never stole any sheep.