Dundee

When I think of Dundee, I think of a pregnant teenage mother wheeling around her seven month old child. A harsh stereotype to be fair, but not without a kernel of truth as Dundee is notorious for the high rates of teenage pregnancy it contains. Indeed, I have a theory about the ridiculously high levels of teenage pregnancy of in Dundee. I think the sperm of the virile Dundonian men, have a quality similar to that of the Aliens blood in the Alien movies. Now that I think of it, if Dundee girls like to go a little porn star, this could explain why they can be so ugly.
Recently Dundee has gained the dubious distinction of being the first SNP held city. Reports that a clone of William Wallace is gathering his forces to march South on York are still unconfirmed. I am not sure if the SNP hold Dundee City Council, however if the councillors are kicking about in school uniforms, then it is likely.

Dundee is also known as the 'City of Discovery.' What a shower of cheeky gets. You can imagine the denizens of Ancient Athens looking down and saying: “Have you seen what they are calling themselves. How on earth do they think they can get away with that? Discovery, discovery? Funnily enough they have never discovered the morning after pill. Ha, ha good one Socrates you big nosed clown you.” No the reason for Dundee's title is that the RSS Discovery was built and is berthed there. RSS Discovery actually went on quite a successful voyage of discoverousity to Antartica, with nobody dying or anything. This is probably why no one has heard of it. In reality, Dundee has also been at the heart of many scientific breakthroughs, and today the city, and the university displays excellence in many scientific fields. Yet with all that scientific knowledge, they still cannot come up with a functional condom.

The city has two good universities, or to put it another way it has the well renowned University of Dundee and Abertay, which is good at making computer games. A generation of greasy and acene ridden teenager salutes you Abertay. Take a look at a rowdy weekend in Dundee and it is not hard to see where the inspiration for Grand Theft Auto came from.

The High School of Dundee, is a private school which produces an extraordinary amount of first rate debaters. In fact I do not believe these are in fact normal children in anyway. I think they are all grown in tanks, in the sort of debating equivalent of a brave new world. “Ah we have put together a new genetic potion to create unbeatable summation speakers. Aha!” Seriously, it is a scary production of line of rhetorical machines and I think Mulder and Scully should investigate pronto.

Now for the nice part. I actually think Dundee is a cracking place. I have had some great nights out there. The people are on the whole a friendly and comedic bunch, and I have lots of friends from the area. In fact I remember one night at Northern Services conference. particularly. I was on the board of management at my students union, and we were a member of a buying consortium called Northern Services. Each year Northern Services would have a big conference, where food and drink wholesalers would woo us with their products and we would make conference like decisions, in a conference like way. Included in all this grown up banter was a free bar however. At said free bar I drank so much Baileys that I was violently sick into a bin. So violently sick that I fell into the bin and could not get out. I managed to escape by tilting the bin into falling over, so I could escape my Baileys vomit rubbish receptacle prison. Yes dignity is my middle name. Generally, I have some very good nights out strolling about the bars in Dundee, and gazing out at the Tay, the Tay, the silvery Tay. So that is Dundee. I am sure the tourist board will want to give me a job soon.